How to Have a Difficult Conversation

Phone message to John from his Department Head: “I’m sorry John, but you will have to teach our new capstone course next semester.  我知道这是一门新课程，你也有另一门你想教的课程，但把它看作是一个提升职业发展的机会.  我知道我可以依靠你.”

“Mary’s performance evaluation is down again this quarter.  I have to tell her she’s at risk of being fired.  I hate this part of being a supervisor.”

“我在这项奖助金计划中的贡献，确实值得得到更多的认可.  我得跟其他研究人员谈谈我被列在作者名单最后的事.”

“我们需要和邻居谈谈.  I’ve had it with him borrowing our gardening tools and not returning then.”

What Makes a Difficult Conversation?

The above conversations are fictitious, but they relate different types of pending difficult conversations. So, what makes some conversations so much more difficult than others?  他们有一个共同点，那就是消极和情绪困扰. 恐惧, worry of being disappointed or rejected, 感觉受到伤害, 不好意思, 或者害怕控制不了自己的愤怒是很多谈话的核心. 他们还会投射出一个未知的结果，从而产生一种无法控制将要发生的事情的感觉. 再深入一点，我们就会发现，困难的对话会让人联想到潜在的身份问题. What does this conflict say about me? 我足够好或值得? 别人怎么看我?

使任何冲突复杂化的风险是，同样的情况会被相关人员以不同的方式看待.  他们可能会有不同的解释、观点和动机.  以上面关于与借工具不还的邻居交谈的例子为例.  邻居的看法是，他有权使用花园工具，直到周末他的花园种植完毕，然后打算归还它们.  另一方面，房主希望只在一夜之间把工具借给邻居.  许多困难的谈话一开始都是一个没有说出口的期望，而这个期望后来会破坏局势.  这些期望和解释形成了我们对事件的感知，并成为现实.  The problem is that we form perceptions through limited vision.  想象一下，通过窗外的观察来描述一所房子里的客厅.  You see a chair, a coffee table with a book on it, and a lamp beside it.  你很自然地会形成这样一种感觉：住在这个房子里的人喜欢阅读，可能很聪明.  然而, someone else looking through another window sees a couch, 大屏幕电视机, 爆米花掉在地上.  这个人形成了房主是懒惰的电视迷和懒汉的印象.  当然, neither one of these perspectives may be correct, but they match what we expect to believe.  This leads to false assumptions and mistaken intentions.

认识到困难对话的陷阱，为你在对话中幸存下来奠定了基础.  Here are steps to take to make these discussions more manageable.  

谈话前

认识到你的假设. 

在开始一场困难的对话之前，把假设当成问题，把意图当成猜测.  When facing a potentially difficult encounter, 你对对方和手头的问题做了什么假设?  Are these assumptions be based on facts or inferences?  是否还有其他你不知道的事实可能会质疑这些假设?  The same is true for another’s intentions.  我们只能根据他们的行为和我们所看到的来猜测他们的意图.  But their actions may be motivated by factors we cannot see. 

给你的情绪贴上标签. 

当你想到和你的部门主管进行可怕的谈话时，你会害怕什么呢, 前配偶, 或者不守规矩的邻居?  说出这些恐惧和其他情绪可以让它们变得透明，而不是潜伏在我们的思想下面，从而消除它们的一些刺痛.  Counter these fears with listing the benefits of this conversation.  相反，不进行这种对话的潜在成本是什么?

Identify your goal and how to express it.

What is the core result you would like to achieve?  How can you say this clearly and concisely?  Instead of drafting a speech which can be derailed, jot down key words that relate to what you want to say.  Identify the core issue or central problem.  你希望的结果是什么?  Because the other party has their own agenda, look for possible alternatives or modified solutions prior to the meeting. 

设身处地为他们想想.

What might be the other party’s agenda?  What needs do they have to fulfill?  Based on the challenges they face, how would they react to your request?  你能满足他们的需求吗? 

安排会议

Ask the other party for a meeting.  When setting up the meeting, include the topic to be discussed.  If the nature of the conservation is troubling to you, it is likely to be difficult for the other party as well.  By giving them a chance to prepare, necessary information can be gathered in advance, 从而节省时间.  让对方措手不及是从一开始就破坏会议的好方法. 

练习压力管理.

开会前要好好照顾自己，饮食健康，睡眠充足.  Learn relaxation and stress management techniques that work for you.  一种快速通用的技术是军事人员在进入危险任务之前使用的战术呼吸. The technique only takes a couple of minutes.  Take a slow intake of breath for 5 seconds, 保持5秒钟, and slowly release it for another 5 seconds.  重复3到4次.  Prior to going into the meeting, practice this technique.  For better more long-lasting effects, 每天练习2到3次战术呼吸，作为常规的压力管理工具. 

引导谈话

Open with your perspective of the issue.

感谢与你见面的人，为一次尊重的会面创造条件.  Then share your viewpoint and where your conclusions came from.  Be direct, respectful, and concise.  Stick to the facts as you know them.  If you need to give your opinion, 说明这是你基于现有信息（或假设）的观点.  在几乎所有困难的谈话中，人际关系都处于危险之中, so sometimes it may be beneficial to acknowledge underlying emotions.  A good way of expressing your opinion and emotion is to say,

 “When you _______, I feel ___________.”  Or, “I get a sense of ____ when ____ happens.”

与这样的语句形成对比, “你总是_________,或“你从不__________。,或者“你为什么不能____ ？,” which feels like an attack and shuts down the conversation.  “我感觉”的信息不那么具有威胁性，并为进一步的对话打开了大门.  It also allows for correcting misunderstanding or false perceptions. 

问问他们是怎么看的.

To reduce misunderstandings, ask how they see things differently.  What is important about this situation to them?  如果他们看起来很困惑或生气，问问你是否做了什么让他们不高兴或误导他们的事情.  给 them permission to contradict your view of the situation.  Likewise, respect their view whether you agree with it or not.  它属于他们，表明他们是如何看待这个问题的，这对你来说是有好处的.  Acknowledge their feelings if they express them.  It may surprise you how they feel the way they do. 

最后，通过简要总结你所听到的内容来表明你在认真倾听.  If they correct your summary, good. 它澄清了他们的观点或纠正了你可能有的假设. 偶尔转述一下你听到的内容有助于更好地理解和建立融洽的关系.  对方想要被倾听，就像你希望他们听你说话一样. 

扩大对话范围

提供你的提案.

在听取对方的观点后，提供你对如何解决这个问题的立场.  它可能与你最初在会议之前所做的相同，也可能在了解他们的看法后进行修改.  If there are options, be prepared to negotiate. 

解决问题.

If the issue is unresolved, ask how we can move forward from here. Acknowledge their position or accept their uncertainty of how to proceed. Offer alternatives and seek options. Ask yourself if you have considered their needs in your proposal.  Explore how their needs and interests can be fitted into your proposal.  当你的观点和他们的观点结合在一起时，一个大的画面就出现了.  Keep the big picture in mind when negotiating.  Whenever you are at a loss of what to say, summarize what you have just heard and then ask them their opinion.  专心倾听，然后问一些开放式的问题，这些问题不能用简单的“是”或“不是”来回答. 

结束对话

审查.

Summarize what was decided and what will happen in the future. Who will do what to settle the issue?  如果问题仍然没有解决，看看已经取得的进展和可以实施的进展. 决定另一次会议是否合适，或者你可以采取什么其他途径. Regardless of the outcome, thank them for talking with you.  After leaving the meeting, review what you learned from this experience.  What would you do the same or differently in a similar situation?  Now that it is over, take a deep breath and relax.  最后, 祝贺你自己走出了舒适区，面对了一场困难的对话.


参考文献:

困难的对话 (1999) by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, & 希拉物流战略

How to handle difficult conversations at work (January 2015). 《十大电子游艺网站排行》丽贝卡·奈特

当你不喜欢冲突时，如何进行艰难的对话（2017年5月）. 《十大电子游艺网站排行》，作者：Joel Garfinkle